JAMILA'S MEMO: When ghosts go to school and fall sick

Ghost schools. Ghost students. Ghost hospitals. Ghost workers.

Kenya must be the only country where ghosts don’t just haunt houses — they go to school, get treated in hospitals, and even draw salaries. On Wednesday this week, the Ministry of Education revealed that just half of the schools audited had 50,000 ghost students. Each of these invisible children was getting Ksh.15,000 a year in capitation. That’s billions wasted on pupils who will never sit an exam, never carry a schoolbag, never even exist.

Meanwhile, real children are in dilapidated classrooms, crammed four or five to a desk. If they actually have one. Many sit on floors, sharing dog-eared textbooks, and learning under trees. It seems ghosts get a better education than our kids.

And healthcare? Don’t even ask. The brand-new Social Health Authority (SHA) was nearly robbed of billions through ghost hospitals. Yes, hospitals that don’t exist, but were already lining up to bill for drugs, staff, and equipment. And Kenyans are right to ask: was NHIF really worse than this? Because when even the “new solution” is riddled with fraud before it takes off, maybe the problem isn’t the institution. Maybe the problem is us.

Then there are the ghost workers — thousands of names on payrolls, faithfully receiving salaries every month. They never clock in, never show up, never even breathe. But their pay comes on time. Perhaps they’re the only employees in Kenya who don’t complain about delayed salaries.

Let’s not sugarcoat it. This is not inefficiency. It is not “system challenges.” It is theft — deliberate, calculated, and shameless. The ghosts are not stealing from the government. They’re stealing from you. From your child without books. From your patient without medicine. From your family living with higher taxes while billions are lost to fantasy.

And every time, we act shocked. We order audits. We form committees. We issue “stern warnings.” Meanwhile, the ghosts keep eating. Maybe it’s time to bring in Ghostbusters or an exorcism! In some instances, conjuring these ghosts needs collusion with government officials.

We say Kenya is broke. We say citizens must tighten their belts. But who is tightening the belts of the ghosts? Because while we struggle with the cost of living, the ghosts are living large.

So maybe the real question is this: when will Kenya stop financing ghosts, and finally start investing in its people?