Waiting for love: Do Kenyan women still believe in the 90-day rule?

In the dating world, a principle dubbed ‘The 90-day rule’ has been around for years.

Popularized by American comedian and author Steve Harvey, the ‘rule’ advises women to wait 90 days before being intimate with a new partner.

This, he argues, is to give the new relationship time to grow emotionally before getting to the physical aspect of it.

But in the modern dating world, does the principle still apply to Kenyan women with shifting gender dynamics?

For some, like Lucy, a 27-year-old businesswoman, the 90-day rule is not about playing games and testing waters but about self-preservation.

“I’ve been in situations where the relationship got physical too quickly, and it clouded my judgement in regards to the person’s character and whether their intentions were genuine or not,” she tells Citizen Digital.

“Now, I use the 90-day rule to observe the person, how he deals with different situations related to life, and whether he’s genuinely interested in me as a person and not the physical aspect of it alone.”

Anita, a 32-year-old mother and wife who used to follow the 90-day rule, says observing the principle worked well for her and her now husband.

She says when she met him, she had been in several relationships in which they became intimate soon, only for them to collapse months later.

“No connections were formed, or the people I was seeing at the time only wanted the physical aspect of the relationship and not to form any bonds,” she says.

“When I met my husband, I decided to use that rule, and within those three months, we became the best of friends before we transitioned to anything physical, and it worked out for me, and now I’m in a healthy and happy marriage because of it.”

Some women see the principle as an approach to ground themselves.

“Sex clouds my judgement,” says Eunice, a 29-year-old nurse in Nairobi, “I get too attached and at times end up settling for something that is bare minimum and tolerating nonsense.”

“Before I discovered the 90-day rule, I used to get into relationships and get intimate immediately without taking my time to even know those people, but as time went by, I discovered how draining it was getting for me to get in and out of relationships once I found out the character of these people.”

For other women, consistency and the level of genuineness a man shows are what have led them to follow the rule. 

Such is the case with 29-year-old Leila: “I needed proof of consistency and to know if this guy was genuine with me or just wanted to play games."

“After two years of being in 'situationships' as well as on-and-off relationships," she says, referencing romantic relationships not considered formal or established, "I decided to set a 90-day boundary for myself. By day 20, the person I was seeing was texting every morning, planning weekend dates, and gateways. By day 50, he stopped love-bombing and settled into a calmer pattern.”

Laila says she had communicated beforehand that they would not engage in any form of intimacy before three months were over.

“I was looking for a serious relationship and not just games. Two years later, we’re now happily married. The time for me allowed the ‘show’ to wear off and his true character to appear,” the Nairobi-based accountant says.

However, some women like Michelle, a 30-year-old lawyer, say the rule is not a guarantee against pain and heartbreak.

“I waited for three months to observe this guy and know what his true intentions towards me, as well as his character, were. Things were going smoothly, and just when I felt he had passed the test and gotten intimate with him, he ended up ghosting me immediately after,” she says.

“The waiting didn’t change or make him a better person; it just delayed what was bound to happen.”

Similarly, 36-year-old Shantel says the rule did not help her in the quest for love: “I used to follow that rule, thinking that it put me aside from others in terms of values and standards as a woman.”

“But the more I aged, I realised that it doesn’t guarantee you a good relationship or a husband, for that matter.”